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Prophecy Six Blog

Sharing My Unedited Writing Experiences & Life Experiences.

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you are not alone

Thinking Thursdays: Why Do I Write?

Hello World Out There World!

This week’s Thinking Thursday is going to focus around why I write. Many people have their reasons as to why they put pen to paper. All writers are drawn to writing for their own reasons. Either, they felt a need to write down the story they have inside or they may do it because it comes naturally to them. But, today I want to focus on why after falling in love with writing 12 years ago why I’m still writing.

Short answer:

I love writing because it’s a part of me.

Long answer:

Writing has always helped me escape the real world and figure out ways I am able to approach real life challenges through exploration in a non-real life setting. I can test my ideas through my character interactions and find a way that works for me.

When I was a kid (age 10-13) I was an outsider.

As an only child in a school made up of kids with siblings I found it hard to relate to kids my own age. I was mature for my age and got along better with the teachers than I did with my classmates. This led to name calling like teachers pet, being ostracized from others in the schoolyard, and due to the fact most of the kids at my babysitters had single parents they tormented me because my parents were together.

I understand now that I’m an adult that they were taking out their pain on me. They saw how happy I was and how much people liked me so they thought taking me down a peg would make them feel better. I understand that I was awkward and strange… that I stood out and didn’t fit in so I was an easy target but them realizing that and making my life a living hell made me realize that they didn’t know that from the torture they put me through that I already knew I was the freak in the striped overalls or the girl that no one wanted to be friends with.

My torment happened before bullies were put on the school’s radar. When I was being tormented by my classmates the faculty said it was just, “kids being kids”. They said I was just too sensitive and needed to grow thicker skin. So, when I was pushed down the hill and impaled by a tree root, or the girls in the schoolyard pulled on my pigtails or made fun of my teeth it was ‘all in good fun’. The school system failed me… so I did what I could to survive.

I huddled myself by the front doors at

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recess with my book and read. When I had read everything I could and got tired of the same old happy endings or open endings I felt confident enough to start writing. Sure, I started writing to prove that I could write a better book than those I was reading but I soon realized that I was able to escape easier into a world of my own creation. My characters had the friends I couldn’t make in school. They were able to do things I would never be able to do. The world I wrote had no boundaries asides from the ones I put in place. While I was tortured in reality by classmates that bullied me to feel better about themselves I was able to hide myself away in a world that couldn’t harm me.

People liked me in my world. Challenges didn’t stand in my way because I could always find an answer and soon I realized how small everything outside of writing was. While I worked away on this dream of becoming a writer I started making friends that were passionate about writing or the arts – in high school. As I started to realize I wasn’t alone and wasn’t the only person that the school system failed I knew I wanted to make a bigger difference. I wanted to share what writing had done… what the creative programs in my life had done for me and others like me. I continued my passion of writing into university where soon it became clear that I didn’t need to write to escape anymore.

In university I had friends that liked my quirkiness and loved me for my bluntness. I could hang out with a mature crowd and not be made fun of for my opinions. I could be me and for once in my life I didn’t need a crutch.

Did I still write?

Sure I did… not as much but I wrote more non-fiction than fiction. My stories stuck in reality than flying off on the backs of gryphons to some medieval castle like I had when I was a child. I still had the drive to be a published author one day. I still told people one day I would be an author, but my life was focused on reality. I dreamed about being a teacher and sharing my experiences with my students. I wanted to tell them that things would get better and that if you are really passionate about something that the only person that is standing in your way is yourself. I wanted to tell them that the impossible is possible and that if you work hard enough your goals can become reality.

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After school when my friends moved away and the focus of getting a job was looming over me I needed to find a way to escape. My dream of becoming a teacher wasn’t working out and no one was looking for someone with my teachable skill set for their schools… so instead of being sucked down into a depression I focused my emotions towards writing again. Not as obsessively as I did when I was a child but enough to distract myself from the looming feeling of failure to reach my career goal of becoming a teacher.

To me, writing is relaxing. Writing is a form of therapy where I can get whatever is on my mind off so I can move on. With school done and the realization of having to find a job I didn’t go to school for closing in I knew it was time to make my childhood dream a reality. I sketched out characters and the world I wanted the story to take place. I spent so much time planning, researching, and noting that I never got around to any actual writing. That was until my already crumbling reality suddenly shattered.

When my mother died I needed to escape. A coping strategy from when I was a kid. The real world got too much for me so I hide away within the pages of a world I had created. Those 6-7 months it took to write Child of the Light was enough time for me to work through the loss of the most influential person in my life. Her death pushed me to reach the goal I always put aside for other more ‘realistic’ endeavors. Her death made me take the risk I was always afraid to take.

When I held my first book in my hands I felt like I had done something right. I knew feeling the glossy cover gripped in my sweaty fingers that all that pain that started this journey helped me find my true purpose.

So, why do I write?

Writing gave me a place to escape when I was young and scared. It gave me a voice when I believed I didn’t have one. It helped me work through the problems in my life when I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about how I was feeling. Writing became a part of me just as much as the blood that runs through my veins or my heart that pumps in my chest. It has helped me survive all the challenges in my life and was able to show a scared little girl that she could do something when her peers were telling her she was nothing.

Anyways… let me know why you write in the comments down below. I’d love to hear your stories as to how you got started and why you still write. Remember to stay safe, be creative, and until next time – toodles! ^.^

Diary of a Socially Awkward Introvert: Parties

To you parties may sound like a fun word.

For me or anyone like me… it instantly raises our blood pressure.

Introverts aren’t the type of people that like to party or being in a group of strangers. We are people that want to Netflix with their best friends and eat junk food, or stay at home and play games online.

When an introvert is dragged out to a party they are doing it because:

One – they want to make a good impression on a friend.

Two – they want to get out of their comfort zone.

Three – didn’t know that they were going to be going to the party in the first place.

Social situations can be very tiring and stressful for an introvert, add in being socially awkward and you have yourself a panic stricken blubber ball.

When I somehow find myself at parties – usually dragged out of the house by friends – I do one of four things.

One – cling to my friend like a baby koala for the whole night.

Two – nervously talk your way through questions asked to you by strangers while trying to locate the friend that dragged you to the party.

Three – locate the food. No one will talk to you if you have food in your mouth.

Four – hang out with the pet of the house cat, dog, bird… doesn’t matter. (You know they won’t judge you).

My usually choice is three. There always something at the food table that I like and it is easy to ignore people when your back it facing the crowd and you are facing the food. It is also easier to play off people’s questions when you have a mouthful of food.

If – Gods forbid – a person catches you away from the food table and starts asking me questions I usually am able to stumble my way through a conversation with them. If a person expects me to start a conversation… well they will be waiting a very long time since while it may take them a second to think of something to ask me I’m running through hundreds of possible suggestions, each being reviewed for any possible negative responses, while my mind is preparing responses to those negative responses.

Fun? Not really. Stressful? Totally.

Another fun thing is when you finally settle on something to say and it comes out wrong. The joys of your cursing yourself as you try to recover the conversation as you notice the person you are talking to staring at you… possibly thinking what is wrong with this person.

Scurry away, back to the food table where you are safe little over-thinker. It will be okay.

Or, will it?

The chances are, that interaction will be playing over and over again in my head for the rest of the night. It will haunt my dreams and whisper in my ear while I’m drinking my tea at breakfast. I may even do mock conversations on how I should have responded to the person while in the shower before heading to work.

Am I crazy? Yep… but admitting it is the first step to recovery… right? ^.^

I am find with small interactions with people on the street. Someone asking for directions or asking the time are fine. I can even handle being in a small group of four people that I know. I’m part of several communities and volunteer… so I am not completely useless. I just know that after a long day in the office or working with my volunteer groups I will be tired.

While people go out to dance or party to boost their energy or cut loose… I read and write books.

So, when you ask one of your friends if they want to go out to party or stay in and watch a movie – consider that maybe their way of fun doesn’t include a lot of people and that wanting to spend time with you is a big step outside of their usual comfort zone.

Until next time stay safe, be creative and as always toodles!

Diary of a Socially Awkward Introvert: Compliments

The other day when I was sitting on the bus, heading home from a long day of work and a short stint of shopping, I noticed something bright blue out of the corner of my eye. As I turned I could see it was a young woman – probably close to my age – in a hijab sipping her coffee. The bright blue material matched her outfit really well and a part of my felt like I wanted to compliment her.

As I was about to open my mouth to say something, there came a voice, very faint in the back of my mind, “Don’t do it. She might think there’s something wrong with you.”

No, I think she would really like a compliment. Everybody likes compliments,” I retorted my own internal police but that didn’t stop them.

What if you stumble your words like you usually do with strangers, huh? Maybe she will take your compliment in a wrong way. Think about her position. She’s sipping her tea and relaxing… then you break that peace by talking to her. Don’t do it… it isn’t worth this list I prepared to deter you.” At that point my brain – being the jerk that it is – listed off a hundred scenarios making me settle back down into my seat.

I was given a second chance to complete the Compliment Quest when I reached my stop. It turned out the young woman in the beautiful blue hijab was getting off at the same stop. We were standing beside each other at the door, perfect time for me to say something but instead my mind was running hundreds of things I should say… rewording the compliment, figuring out ways to not come across as weird, preparing come-backs if the girl got upset.

We got off the bus and I crossed the street by 124d2gthe time my brain was satisfied with what I was going to say to her… but the opportunity was miss. She crossed the street and I was left cursing myself for being afraid to say anything while being plagued with the worry that she had noticed me staring at her and being given all the thoughts she may have been thinking about me staring.

Looking back at it now, I feel stupid for even overthinking that situation. Who would get angry at a compliment? No one, that’s who! Yet my brain decided to work overtime like it was the Enigma Machine trying to decode Nazi bombing coordinates.

The problem is I’m an amiable person… which means I’m not only a friendly person but I hate conflicts of all kinds. That means if there is potential for conflict I avoid it or try to help others avoid it at all cost. This also means that my brain considers the possibility of everything being a conflict and tries to come up with solutions to solving these possible, unrealistic, nonexistent conflicts… which sucks!

This problem doesn’t just occur when I want to say anything nice to someone but also when someone says something nice to me. First, I stiffen up because now someone is giving me attention and I hate being centred out. This engages my brain who is reminding me of my unnatural stance and it tells me that the person I’m talking to thinks I’m
strange for reacting that way… which makes me try to be calm which only makes me act weirder. Second, I have no idea what I’m supposed to say when given a compliment – which I’m trying to find an answer for while trying to act natural while trying to avoid upsetting the person that complimented me. My brain starts asking itself questions like: do I say thank you? And before I get the chance to say thank you my words are choked out by my brain’s answer: Wouldn’t thank you be too basic? And these thoughts just continue on facepalm-meme-17and on making a silence grow to an awkward length but I’m not paying attention to time because my brain is continuing it’s useless debate with itself. If I say no problem that would sound narcissistic or belittling to the person giving me the compliment. No reply would just be rude and smiling/nodding would just be weird. It is only after catching onto my complimenters body language do I realise I’ve made the situation awkward and from that point I spout out a very uncomfortable and not confident, ‘Thank you’. And if that’s just not cringe worthy enough I end it with a nervous laugh.

Be happy you aren’t in my brain. Be happy you don’t over analyse every social interaction you have with people. This is why introverts are tired after hanging out with a group and also why it takes something really important for them to leave the comfort of their home. Be glad you aren’t a socially awkward introvert… and if you are at least now you know you aren’t alone. 🙂

 

 

Unemployment & Taking Chances

Hello World Out There World!

Today I’m going to talk to you about something that I’ve spoken about before. As some of you know I recently moved from Northern Ontario to Southwestern Ontario. In this move I had to leave a job I enjoyed, friends I made, and family I loved. I do not regret the move. I love living in Southwestern Ontario. I love how friendly it is, how close I am to my father, and how warm it is.

What I don’t miss is this unemployment thing…

Being unemployed has been more stressful than being employed. Working for me helps preoccupy my time, helps me pay for things I wouldn’t be able to without a job, and helps me socialize. I have filled my time with volunteering for Pride, will be volunteering for the amazing ARTS Projects soon, and have been mentoring writers.

Volunteering is great. I love the social aspects and how it helps me get to know this new community I’ve grown to love over the last couple of months, but it doesn’t help with the fact money runs our world and sadly I can’t live off of air alone. The money isn’t even the biggest problem though.

Stress… unemployment stress is kicking my creative butt.

I want to be able to work and come home to write. That is how my writing works and I know some of you have noticed it. I have had the decrease in blog posts since being unemployed. I have had a decrease in working on my book series since being unemployed. All that has consumed my thoughts aren’t creative ideas but the need to work.

Since moving to my new city I have applied to over 300 jobs. Last month alone I applied for 68. I have had helped from my employment counselor who still doesn’t understand why I haven’t gotten a job yet. She’s helped by contacting employers with my resume. I’ve gotten one or two interviews but no follow ups… and when I contact them they all give me the same reply, “You are over qualified for this position” or “You are under qualified for this position”.

There is no winning… they won’t hire me because they think because I’m over qualified I will grow tired of the job. They won’t hire me because they think I will get too overwhelmed by the position and aren’t willing to train. Employers aren’t willing to take chances anymore. They want people that fit perfectly… which eventually may happen but when a job is reposted four times where I applied to them four time and have gotten an interview, but “I’m too qualified”, maybe – just maybe – my reapplying those four times for that position shows that I am interested in the job. That maybe the fact I’ve reapplied means I want to work for that company, that I’m driven, that I don’t get discouraged easily, and that I’m wanting to be part of that team.

The other excuse I hear from employers is my skill base is all over the place.

Don’t you want a diverse employee? Don’t you want someone that can contribute a variety of knowledge/ experience to your team?

Yes, I have computer skills. Yes, I have digital editing experience. Yes, I have food industry experience. Yes, I have educational (teaching, tutoring) experience. Yes, I have a willingness to learn and better myself in a variety of backgrounds that interest me and in turn benefit any company willing to take a chance on me.

You want someone with medical knowledge? I have my medical terminology.

You need a people person, who is patient and respectful under stress? I was Dean Listed for my BEd and got over 90% on both placements. I also ran a tutoring company for a short time and volunteer my time to help people discover the love of art. I also have volunteered with children programs since being 11 years old and have empathy.

You want someone with friendly and professional customer service? I worked as a sales intern that covered reception for a shipping corporation for a summer. Or, maybe you want more phone experience. Does a call center count? ‘Cause I have that experience also.

Do you need someone creative, that knows social media, that loves talking with people and teaching people what she knows? I’m your girl. Hello! I wrote, published, marketed, and maintain the social accounts for my book series. All self-taught might I add.

The over 1000 jobs I’ve applied for since graduation are just for laughs. I applied to those jobs because I knew I could contribute and knew I would find some aspect I’d enjoy. You won’t find someone more willing to take a chance to work for any employer and you won’t find someone more willing to become educated in what that employer needs than me. I love to learn. I love to work. I just wish someone would give me the bloody chance to prove it to them.

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